Category Archives: Journal

SENSITIVE TO LIGHT

In creation mode. Senses heightened, sensitive to light, its nuances, everything framed, perceived as a potential shot for the new videopoem. Grateful it isn’t snowing, spring has arrived at last. Must strike while the sun is out. Need to find the exact right angle to shoot arm-in-puddle. Wish we had a longer lens, could get more of the background, create a more intriguing horizon but oh well, have to work with what you have. Or have not, tripod so flimsy it handles like a toy tripod. I lie on the ground. The things I do for art. Direct sun creates shadows and throws glare everywhere. Will shoot anyway and do over if necessary. I can see why nature photographers get paid the big bucks. I can see but can’t even capture a plane flying overhead though my hands are numbs from the cold. And I have to think that viewing hundreds of videopoems in my role as Visible Verse Festival curator has honed my sensibilities, crystallized vision.

Working with my boy, my teenaged son who taught himself how to edit video at age 10 so he could post machinimas on his YouTube channel. It’s been going well, better than I thought. He actually takes direction. We’re a good team, working through challenges together; rough terrain, crappy equipment and tricky shots, problem solving in tandem. He tends to rush through things so our process demonstrates process. He was only about seven years old when I produced my first videopoem Dying for the Pleasure. We shot it on a friend’s farm out in South Surrey and Junior was on location, helping. He refused to watch it for many years, found it too disturbing. Nowadays he banters with his buddies online, exchanging insults and cursing like a truck driver. Or gamer.

So back to work. We’ll be in shooting, then editing mode for the next month. Said to Junior that being an artist can feel like a curse, but at least I have the guts to be what I am. Which is what I’ve always encouraged him to do, be his own man, true to himself.

PASSIONATE PISCEAN POETS-IRVING LAYTON CENTENARY CELEBRATION

A major windstorm and ensuing power outages have put me behind schedule and I’m still recovering from, and cleaning up after Saturday’s festivities, a tribute to Irving Layton as part of nationwide and international centenary celebrations. We celebrated my birthday as well, still substantially less than 100 years ago, and it was quite the bacchanalia, entirely fitting we all agreed. I made cassoulet, Thesa (Pakarnyk) brought butter chicken and Kyle (Hawke) brought a huge, fantastic pumpkin cake in the shape of a book, left page with Layton’s The Improved Binoculars painted upon maple icing, the right with the title poem from my book, Three Blocks West of Wonderland. I can’t stop eating the damn thing! I must stop eating the damn thing!

And I must confess it was for sentimental reasons that I hosted the event. Or perhaps pure nostalgia. As a teenager, Irving Layton was one of the poets who inspired me to write and then I met his son Max one summer while hitchhiking all over BC with my best friend Cathy. We were so resourceful, I swear I left with $50 and returned with $50. And I can’t believe we did that. Survived! Ah, the resiliency of youth, and if I believed in the supernatural, I’d swear that we’re blessed with guardian angels.

So the two of us wound up in Campbell River once. I recall meeting a crew of boisterous loggers in the bar. Are they called crews? Anyway, the lot of them snuck us into camp and brought us heaping plates of steak and potatoes. We were always hungry. A handsome, talented  young man appeared and serenaded us on guitar. A romantic figure, Max Layton grew up surrounded by artists and poets including Leonard Cohen, who gave him guitar lessons in exchange for one of his mother Betty Sutherland’s paintings. I never saw him again but thanks to social networking, Max and I reconnected. When he told me about the centenary, I was happy to participate, to gather with friends on Bowen Island, across Canada and around the world paying homage to an icon of Canadian literature.

Irving Layton may have been a bohemian, an advocate of sexual freedom, but let’s face it, the guy haboured a very bad attitude toward women. But, all grown up now I’m able to separate the man from the work, the poet from politics. I love his way with words, his lust for life. As with many other male writers–Henry Miller only one of my guilty pleasures—I must pacify my inner feminist for I am a sucker for language, its power. And obviously I’m a sucker for silver-tongued devils and troubadours.

I read from the same book I had back in high school, Periods of the Moon.  I am no less passionate about poetry and Cathy is still my best friend. Some things endure, the important things, like love and literature.

A lively group from various backgrounds, we featured a mix of Bowen Island and Vancouver poets and writers. Dennis E. Bolen is primarily a novelist but writing his autobiography in verse. He observed that he couldn’t lift the cake, so read what is perhaps Layton’s most famous work, The Improved Binoculars in his inimitable way and then If I Lie Still.

Bowen Island poet Lisa Shatsky’s first collection Do Not Call Me By My Name on Black Moss Press came out last year. She shared how Al Purdy introduced her to Layton’s work after meeting him in Montreal at the age of 18, having snuck into a bar. She pondered over Layton’s depictions of women, decided to find a poem that she actually liked and then write one in response. There was a lot of banter between audience and poet at this shindig; Julie (Vik) asked her how long it took to find one. Lisa said Berry Picking jumped out at her and read it beautifully. Her Letter to Irving Layton succinctly addressed his misogyny. Women as “muse and executioner at the same time . . . You must have longed to be delicate in another’s hand” and imagined meeting him at an outdoor café. She nailed it.

Sylvia Taylor, author of the forthcoming Fisher Queen and ever the teacher brought handouts featuring fifteen of Irving’s pithiest quotes and read Layton’s The Wave. Resplendent in fuscia pink leather Barbie driving gloves that surely would have driven Irving wild, Sylvia said,  “To commemorate how he equally adored and despised women.”

In a powerful voice, theatre director Don MacLean delivered one of Layton’s most searing and disparaging-of-poetry-and-poets poems, Whom I Write For.

My friend Thesa Pakarnyk hitchhiked from the ferry to my house with her friend Sabrina Prada (resourceful and independent) read a lovely Thesa poem, African Violets and then in stark contrast, O Jerusalem and Dialogue, both about Layton’s perspective on Christians and Jesus, (sent to her by Max Layton. Again, resourceful girl.) Thesa, a whirling dervish of talent, whose professional work includes animation and music, is currently putting together a live poetry/singing/performance jazz group. I’ll stick out my thumb for that show for sure.

Lastly, and by no means leastly, my dear friend, former band mate and fellow book lover, singer-songwriter extraordinaire Julie Vik surprised us with a reading and related how, like Lisa, she had been turned onto Layton by Al Purdy, who had come to her high school. She delivered On Obsession with aplomb, from a Layton collection she’d had since her teen years.

Then we ate cake! Amongst other things. A fantastic night. A night to remember. A la vida! Long live verse. And versifyers!

RUNNING OUT OF REDHEADS, RUNNING OUT OF TIME

Yikes! No wonder I’m looking over my shoulder. The world is running out of redheads. We are predicted to be extinct within 100 years. And we experience pain differently. I knew it. I’m not just a sensitive artist as my friend Gretl so kindly pointed out.

Musings. Such musings are pretty much all I can muster today; struggling to shake malaise, the flu and my inner misanthrope, mood nearly as foul as the weather. Why bother? Why bother blogging? I am a barometer of the times if nothing else. A speck. A speck that can’t stop striving to be more than a speck.

“When you feel happy it somehow seems that you’ve always been happy and that you’ll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember.”-One of those silly albeit often prescient Notes from the Universe. What a relief. It’s only a matter of time. Not sure there’s much consolation in that.

Music helps. At the moment, I am listening to a favoured Internet radio station, Cluberry Chill, ‘cause I needs to chill don’t you know. Rest. Recover. They just played Laurie Anderson’s Mr. Heartbreak and are now onto some swanky 60s noir soul. Sometimes I move over to Mountain Chill where the DJ drawls song titles reminiscent of the classic, late night DJ portrayed by Clint Eastwood in Play Misty For Me, the original Fatal Attraction. “Stay tuned.” Old school. Who gets to program their own program these days? We are very adept at bringing back the tried and true way of doing things though. Rock and roll will never die and neither will DJs. My favourite rock station lately is AndHow.com out of New Zealand. I love Internet radio, its infinite selection. I cannot abide commercial radio and refuse to listen to it in the car, plugging in my iPod instead. I can’t believe they’re playing essentially the same playlists they played in the 70s.

Creating helps. Family affair. I’m writing songs with my nephew and gearing up to Continue reading

OPEN SOURCE EVERYTHING, EVEN PUNK ROCK

Yeah, I know Open Source Everything is too radical for the masses and will never manifest in my lifetime but I feel its rumblings. I can imagine that some day we will open source food, water, shelter, electricity, transportation, education, art, music. Love. More than feeling, I’ve been riding the rumblings ever since I ran away to join the punk rock circus. Busy playing music, we didn’t talk politics all the time but knew we were teetering upon the precipice of revolution. It fueled us. Fed us. And now, is a quantum leap or perhaps even a new paradigm upon us at last? Did our caterwauling lead to anything?

As we lament the glacial pace of change, it seems we can’t keep up as it pertains to media. The subject of vinyl arose this past week.  People’s feelings about vinyl reveal their feelings about change. Adapt or die, right? But, resourceful to the bone, we find ways to make the old new again. I kept my turntable but moved around so much it was impossible to hold onto all my records. I still mourn the loss of some LPs like deceased friends. Apparently, there is a resurgence in vinyl. Check out the Vinyl Engine. Our friends, the scintillating Petunia & the Vipers just released an album and I hear that young people are only interested in vinyl these days. They may acquire mp3s but when it comes to buying, crave cover album artwork and liner notes. Just like we did!

And then there’s video, which has evolved to the point of digital. I don’t regret the demise of tape, revel in the mobility of the camera, to the point of one-in-every-cell phone, hence the rise of citizen journalism, Arab Springs, etc.

The subject of videotape and the schism between several old school punk rock camps roared to the fore recently when a Mongrelzine article quoted my Zellots band mate Christine deVeber as saying Continue reading

HIDDEN WITHIN MY FLOWER

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.
Part Three: Love

VII

I HIDE myself within my flower,
That wearing on your breast,
You, unsuspecting, wear me too―
And angels know the rest.
I hide myself within my flower,
That, fading from your vase,
You, unsuspecting, feel for me
Almost a loneliness.

For his Self? Or herself.

I picked up a copy of Al Purdy’s Piling Blood at the used bookstore, and Golden Girl, a biography of Jessica Savitch. Al had a thing for birds and I barely remember Savitch. Apparently she was a driven, tortured soul, a pioneer with feminist views and NBC’s first anchorwoman. Looked down upon by the old guard as a talking head, a performer, at the dawn of infotainment, Savitch became a sacrificial lamb upon the altar of the Personality cult. They needed her good looks and glamour, resented her demands, including a make up person and hairdresser. Always in control of her close-ups, Savitch paid the ultimate price for her perfectionist ways, her fight for credibility. The book also portrays compellingly the intrigue within the networks, which is true of any corporate culture, only difference today being the density of the jungle.

It was all a facade of course. A mask. Off camera, Savitch was a monster, a very unhappy monster, drug addled and battling drug abuse. The only time she felt secure was staring back at herself in a monitor. And if you’re not a narcissist, cocaine will turn you into one quite handily. Life becomes theatre.

Perhaps we are all narcissists, in various normal development stages and to varying degrees, though individuals afflicted with Narscisstic Personality Disorder,  the “malignant narcissist,” according to Dr. Sam Vaknin, project onto others his or her fears, insecurities and shortcomings. He can assuage anxiety only by being in complete control. Narcissists subjugate everyone, dictate terms of engagement and punish those who refuse to get with the program, their victims caught in a vicious circle, first idealized then inevitably devalued and discarded. Hypomanic, desperate for attention, approval, adulation, a narcissist on the prowl is impossible to resist.

So run! Hide. Keep your panties on. Don’t love anything that can’t love you back.

BEYOND HEARTS & FLOWERS

Love. Such an abused word. Amidst the tumult of today; global financial crisis’, earthquakes, revolutions, tsunamis of change, consumers, at the behest of retailers, scurry about buying pricey roses and chocolates, buying into the farce that is Valentine’s Day, which has little to do with love and everything to do with profit.

It would seem that love is about possession, control, power. I think of the Shafia murders, those poor Shafia women, their tragic fate, the girls’ teenaged Romeo and Juliet sagas. Did Mohammad Shafia ever truly love his daughters? His wife, wives? Or his son for that matter, grooming Hamed to be an assasin, condemning him to perdition.

Falling in love is easy, romantic love a relatively recent notion, an indulgence, a hormonal shallow-pool love by rote. To love is hard, abiding love rare. We need empathy. We need to love life. Humanity. All of humanity, ourselves included. Love is not a means to an end. Love is here and now. In the deep end. Dare I say it? Love is pure. Love is brave. Instead, floundering, we demand, command, spouses and children mere extensions, collected, objectified to death. I won’t resort to statistics but women die due to domestic violence at an alarming rate in this country. In the West. Love is not a given and screw this blood-is-thicker-than-water drek. Is there a more bitter hatred or intense rivalry than that which surfaces within the family? The home? Let us try at least to love beyond hearts and flowers, beyond tragedy, coupling, clinging, fear.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. 
William Shakespeare.

HOW TO REMAIN

Still hobbled by the hard drive crash but holding fast, the only way I know how to live. This week I battle the flu, a particularly nasty strain, which at its onset, made me feel certain I was dying. But the sun is shining and I’ve been thrown a few life lines. Pandora’s Collective will honour me with an award and I managed to write lyrics for my nephew, which made me very happy. As he pointed out, we’ve come full circle. An Alberta boy, K moved out to the coast a few years ago, playing bass in a band in Vancouver venues in and around my punk rock stomping grounds. Then he bought a nice guitar and started writing songs. He made my year asking me to collaborate. Bonus; I get my song writing chops back and we hang out together.

A poem, then. It seems apropos in light of Madonna’s Super Bowl performance, which I didn’t watch. Once viewed as a flash in the pan, I just like that she’s endured, is still out there being Madonna. So onward and upward, and fight back indeed.

How To Remain

How to remain
thin. Abstain. Abstain from eating
food. Calories kill
the fat rats first. If she could say No
and balance Belgian truffles on her tongue
briefly before spitting them out,
she might remain. Live
long. Enjoy fruition. By shunning urges,
she could linger—dainty as a colt’s
foot—deploying her charms raw,
dogtrotting a straddled chocolate Arabian
through mazes of lane. She could retire
to her body.

Alas, ankles thicken, braids recede,
the old mare conjured whenever she dare
look. Fight back. She may be forced to
cover the grey, yellow, but refuses to swallow
diet pills. Amphetamines in the olden days.

Still, dinner in the garbage rouses niggles
of guilt. She snuffles it out before Buddy can,
barfing rather than blowing
calories on fusty pizza
or molding, olive oil-sopped arugula.

(I am eating well; lots of chicken soup.)

YEAR OF THE DRAGON MY ASS

Crashed and burned? 2012’s Year of the Water Dragon’s attending happiness and success? Where did it go? I was really hoping to turn things around. 2011 sucked. It’s my bad fortune to report that my hard drive crashed. Yep, that’s the state of the union and all I’ve been dealing with for nearly two weeks; fallout. Here’s what happened. My 90 pound Staffy SamIAm walked into my laptop, knocking it off the ottoman in my office. Turns out I didn’t have any proper backups, only thought I did! So now, though financially strapped, have to figure out a way to pay for data retrieval, if it’s retrievable.

*sigh* It seems everybody has to go through this at least once. I’ve been entering data, computing, since ’89, owned a personal computer since ’90 and on the Internet since ’93, web authoring, as it was referred to. This has never happened to me. I’ve been lucky. It feels like I’ve lost a limb. All my files, photos, drivers, tabs, documents, bookmarks, email addresses, correspondence, poetry, songs, videopoems, art, gone! It’s devastating. What else is there to say about it? Oh yeah,  learn from my mistake and make sure your hard drive is backed up! Anything can happen, including big assed dogs.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

I wish someone could tell me. Let’s talk paternity fraud, a term that didn’t exist when I was born. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to find my biological father. Or try to. “Does he even know I exist?” I asked dear old Ma after she’d blurted out on her death bed that my father, the only father I’d ever known, was not my “real” father. Shocked naturally, I didn’t believe her at first, but it explained so much! Why people often asked if I was adopted. Why I felt no kinship to my father’s side of the family, the Daneliuks, or the “Danefucks”, as our schoolyard tormenters called us. Why I took my mother’s maiden name. It explained the bouts of estrangement between my sisters and I, my half-sisters. We’d always been so different, what little common ground we shared divided in two. Why Grandma Daneliuk favored my sisters. She must have harboured suspicions. Why I always felt like a freak!

I asked my *alleged father*. Equally shocked, he could provide no information, but sympathetic, took a DNA test at my request. The results excluded him, “as the biological father of Heather Haley.” First thing out of his mouth; “I’d never have married her if I’d known.” Thanks Dad. Poor Dad. By lying on my birth certificate, my mother had betrayed both of us. All of us, biological father deprived of any relationship with his daughter. I was stunned by my sister’s reaction, intense sibling rivalry. “Ha! That means I’m the oldest.” Neither could she understand my dismay, why I should care. She should know me better. I must always know the truth. Besides, I have a child and our health to consider. Ironic too, that fascinated by crime, intrigue and mystery, I wind up saddled with huge one, seemingly impossible to crack. I’m running out of time with everyone, including me, getting older. I’ve questioned my mother’s surviving relatives, all claiming to know nothing, though I wasn’t spared gossip. Apparently, Ma liked to have fun, often driving down from her home in Matapédia, Quebec to the CFB base in Chatham, New Brunswick to attend parties. Maybe bio-dad was stationed there, serving in the Air Force. I’d consult with a private investigator if I could afford to. Though I could go mad speculating, the writer in me can’t help imagining. I’ve developed a theory; she couldn’t tell me, didn’t know his name. Maybe it was a one-night stand. Maybe she was raped. She did describe such a scene to me once. Catholic, rural, Great Darkness-Duplessis Orphans era Quebec was not a good place to be knocked up. Ashamed, desperate to be married, her child legitimate, she lied. This is the real kicker; wed or not, knowing people would do the math, my grandmother tried to coerce her into an abortion.  Sins are more sinful when the whole town knows.

I’ve been advised by someone who does understand how much this means to me that generalized ancestor DNA testing can provide valuable insights, give me an idea of bio-dad’s racial, genetic back ground. Family Tree testing provides email addresses of people who share your DNA and wish to be connected. My only other hope is to visit the relevant villages back east and start asking a lot of hard and persistent questions, if I can find people willing to talk. Of course any such information can be extremely unreliable and vexatious. I will try to arrange a trip out there in the not-too-distant future. Hey, I could make a documentary. We shall see. I still hope there is some way to solve the mystery.

I envy adoptees and sperm donor babies; they have legal recourse. Clues. In 2010, a woman named Olivia Pratten mounted a lawsuit against the provincial government, the first of its kind in Canada. It sought to amend the B.C. Adoption Act requiring physicians keep permanent records of all egg, sperm or embryo donors and allow offspring to access those records when they turn 19. Not having the right relegates Pratten to “second-class citizen status and represents the province’s wholesale abandonment of equality rights,” according to her lawyer, Joseph Arvay, a veteran constitutional attorney. Indeed. It’s a fundamental right to know our origins. Arvay cited a passage from Roots, stating “that in all of us, there is a hunger—marrow deep—to know our heritage, to know who are and where we came from. Without it, one is left with a disquieting loneliness.” Try and explain that to my sister and long-dead mother, whom I still miss. I think she had every intention of taking the secret to her grave, but dementia prevented that. Ah, family secrets, all too common and often entwined with abuse and domestic violence.

Though it’s not in my nature, perhaps I should just give up. Let it go. I’m torn. Still wondering. Thanks Ma.

And neither can the poet in me help but imagine:

PRINCESS NUT

If I could have been inside
the hollow tree that night
I would have seen his face.
I would know his face. His body,

spiced with sweat salt and tobacco.
My father. Forbidden topic.
Fugitive. Alien, though earthly
as a cyclone to my mother, clinging

from an oak as he pried her limbs apart.
I would have heard howling, watched
his head rearing back. Full lips, gappy grin
revealed. Full lips, gappy grin like mine.

I would have seen the twigs
and russet leaves stuck to their thighs.
I could have picked up
the knife. Saved my mother.

I would know, what is his,
what is mine. I would know
he’s the smooth nut in a rough cup,
I, one of many acorns.

RAISED BY ARTISTS

I’ve often wondered what it would be like. I wasn’t raised by wolves—wolves aren’t innately cruel—but suffice to say, my parents were ill educated and culturally challenged. Normal, far as I knew. Far from a priority, art was not even a concept in our home. A queen of blarney, my mother weaved elaborate tales and collected “ornaments.” Skilled with his hands, my jack-of-all-trades father hawked carvings while stationed in the Yukon with the RAF, identifying himself as a woodworker or carpenter. I think we all harbour an inner artist. Still, I was decidedly the family freak. Determined to honour my writing, to finally take it seriously, find discipline and seek inspiration, I’ve been reading biographies and watching documentaries, most recently C. Scott Willis’ The Woodmans, about a shining young photographer named Francesca Woodman, who committed suicide in 1981 by jumping off a building. Interestingly, that’s right around the time I was living in New York, starting out as a musician. An artist. It was brutal. I got out, made my way back to the west coast. And in an aside, interesting, isn’t it, the similarity in our poses above, the choice of iconography, me with my acorns, Francesca with her birch bark.

Anyway, it seems Francesca was Continue reading